Days like today are a struggle, which all too often, seem futile. I can feel it’s strangling, as it starts to coil around my feet, my care as delicate as it’s cold heart. Please bite me and stop mine from beating. It always causes me more pain than any other part of me, so let it end, but I can’t let that type of thinking begin. I long for the feeling of feeling, but it squeezes tighter, a hypocrite who gives in when he calls himself a fighter. A dove flies above, as I finally, from the bottom, I look up, then the serpent’s grip grew lighter.
On days like today,
I’m just so tired of all the bullshit, looking for a light, exhausted from memorizing stones at rock bottom just to feel my way home. I can’t see my fingers in front of my face,
and it’s so dark that I don’t know if I’m haunted, or alone in my house, still as unfamiliar as this place.
The words carved into the stone, give me no hope. I’m afraid I wouldn’t even know if they did. I’m so numb, accept to the pain of coming undone, and the anguish of what’s to come. The prophets are silenced by the ignorance of the masses, the news, tragedies and road rage more violent than the car crashes. If they want to make a living, they have to change, then prove their worth by becoming somebody else. Here’s a check, just get rid of yourself.
On days like today,
I’m just so tired of all the sinking morals, like ships looking for a lighthouse, tired of memorizing the glare of the light on a bottle, blinding me so the evidence of my shame is hidden, and I don’t have to feel the guilt because I had to self-medicate. I can’t see my fingers in front of my face,
and it’s so dark that I don’t know if I’m haunted, or alone in a place as unfamiliar as a yellow ribbon on the old oak tree, and my home, trying to decide to stay or leave. I feel so uncomfortable because all I hear is how successful my younger brother is, and will be. I’m proud as can be but want to remove my jealousy.
But, I won’t carry my cross alone. I won’t give it away, someone already saw me carrying it to my grave, promising that if I step on the water, I’ll be okay. But, sorrow has already taken my breath and stolen the air from my lungs. I cursed and I mocked until He took my cross, paid me and started to walk. I know that I’m not the only one who’s struggling to make it through the day; I just don’t mind sharing that with you. We have all seen what ignoring and ignorance can do, even if you don’t agree, now you see the perception of me.
On days like today,
We love when we relate. We want to rush, when we should wait, but that doesn’t change the sparkle in your eyes, the way that your mind works, so close to mine, someone I can’t have, but can find, someone I can see, but never hold, someone worth more to me than anything, or anyone else. And though I could believe, but I know that she’s just using me to fulfill her needs.
So, I close my eyes and dig down six feet, wondering if this is the end, where My Maker I meet, when it comes to the truth, I’m too broken to be anyone’s anyone. People say that I’m strong, but I truly just learned to endure. I would already be gone for so long, now, but I don’t have the constitution, and an end, for my goals is a problem, not a solution. I’ll be here tomorrow, even if you don’t care to try and understand, or really give a shit. I’m the hand of a past friend that you forgot, after you bit. I’d rather die than live my life standing by, ignored and pushed to the side. So, I guess I finally say goodbye to those who become absorbed with themselves, and in selfishness revel. Negativity doesn’t breed positivity. When the world stops spinning, If you want to know that you made a difference, begin.
What has this place become? Half-naked, looking for romance will only leave you in tears, but the thought of always being alone is too much to bear, how long? How long? A year? Two? Someone come and shake me, wake me from this nightmare because I can’t do it myself. I’ve learned to hide my cries for help. I endure, but for nothing. I suffer alone when the night becomes dawn, and everyone else is asleep. I have only depression to eat, and I am a glutton for self-loathing. I wear it as my second layer of clothing. I wish I could change, I wish I could just be, instead I have to go to the darkest corners of hell, just to see.